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Quilt Police

Rumblings of dissent were heard today amongst the residents of Quiltland as the Palace handed down an advance notfication of the Queen’s plans for the establishment of a Quilt Police Force. Despite the informaton being embargoed until the official speech by the Queen concerned journalists were heard gossping about it in the Batik ‘n’ Bagels coffee shop and rumours soon spread.

“This is not what I expcted, ” said one quilter. ” I thought Quiltland was going to be a place of fun, ruled by a proponent of imprecison and improvisation.”

Such concerns, however, may well have been put to rest once the whole content of the speech was heard. The Queen chose to address the nation from the isolated town of Barrow in Furness, Cumbria, England – having cause to go there on diplomatic duties as a Barrister in the English court system she took time out of a rushed lunch hour to plant a flag denoting a member island of Quiltland on the indoor market stall that was selling must-have half price pink batik and extra wide Chrstimas fabric for only £4 per meter.

Clutching her purchases she explained:
“Quilters in other lands have tradtionally frowned upon the very concept of a Quilt Police. However, really – men in uniform. What’s not to like? Or indeed, for those who prefer it (for Quiltland is an equal oportunity state) women in uniform.

“Quiltland is following the Swiss tradition of being a Neutral country ( albeit with a blending out towards Japanese taupes and the addition of a duck egg blue zinger). It is thus inappropriate for there to be an army. However, that is not to say that our borders do not have to be secured. So there shall be a Quilt Police. Their duties are to stand guard at the doors of stashes throughtout the land and they shall have arrest powers in relation to employers, spouses and children who attempt to steal not only quilting space from citizens but also time. A precise criminal code will be produced – taking into account any views expressed via comments or email in due course.”

The Queen also gave an indication of probable future legislation adding as she did,
“What there will not however be in Quiltland are Quilt Lollipop ladies. By Lollipop ladies I mean those high-visibilty clothed English local authority employees who supposedly guard school crosings. The ones who wait until drivers approach then jump out kamikase like with their stop signs. The ones who not only stop traffic to let children actually waiting at the crossing to cross the road but also stop it in anticipation of the school child who is trailing aimlessly two hundred yards away reaching the crossing. The ones who also stop traffic to let the mothers of children cross back over the road from the school to their illegally parked SUV’s.

“There shall be none of those. The Quiltland equivalent would perhaps be the ladies who jump out at show attenders who are peering too closely at quilts, the teachers who stop all creativity by reminding beginners that stitches must be exactly 19 to the inch. No none of those. Of course Qulitland is welcoming to all quilters and so, once a source of state revenue has been established, such ladies will be funded to go on a re-education programme entitled’Quilting is for fun.” and if needed an advanced course entitled ‘Get a life’.

The Chronicle anticipates that the majority of residents will be happy with todays pronoucments but it remains to be seen whether mutterings from Judges in Houston result in a diplomatic crisis that will threaten this fledging state


Filed under: Uncategorized

4 Responses

  1. betsy says:

    OH I am afraid of the quilt police !!!

  2. I think you should make it.. My treat? =) Love you

  3. Jill says:

    I’m glad there aren’t any real quilt police as I’m sure I break all the rules as a beginning quilter and have no desire to follow all of the rules either. My quilts aren’t perfect but what’s endearing is that their mine made by my hand. I’m good with that.
    Of course that quilt police applique is kind of cute…must be the uniform. Lol!

  4. Roz says:

    The heck with the Quilt Police! They shall never cross my threshold. They will be rolling on the ground in laughter at my color selection and the uneveness of my seams.

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